All You Need Is Love

Mood: Tired, but happy.
Time: 10:40 PM

The nights here are beautiful. I had to put on PJ bottoms because it got so chilly outside. I turned off the lights, grabbed a good dark beer, turned a chair around on the porch and looked out into the backyard and into the sky. What did I see? I saw a backyard glimmering with lightning bugs and a night sky shimmering with stars. I haven't seen that many lightning bugs in so long. What made the night even better was being on the phone with someone wonderful. I love people who you can talk to about just about anything and in an intelligent way. Especially when there is also humor as well.

There is nothing wrong with smiling like a moron.

Feeling(s): lonely, tired, annoyed, but overall pretty good
Time: 12:54 PM

So, it's been awhile since I updated and a lot has happened. Johnny apparently falls more in love with Gabby each day and I'm annoyed with him so I'm trying not to talk to him. Brian is still with Ash, yet we're talking to each other again. I met this guy Luke who I slept with then decided to tell me that I had too much baggage (he dated some chick for 3 days just a few days after me). People are very annoying.

Johnny and I talked and hung out for about 4 hours Friday night cause he needed a ride back to his car. We had a 30 minute hug and more tears. The next day I was told him and Gabby were unfriending me from facebook. People suck. It's lovely to hear that someone still cares about you as a person and wants to be there for you, then they bail.

Brian is still a clusterfuck of emotions for me. I still love him, yet I don't know if I still want a future, but if I see myself married witrh kids I still see him. Ugh. (yes, I fall into the category of people suck).

I've been hanging out with a lot of people this summer and it's been great fun. I've been trying to stay out of trouble as much as possible and so far so good basically.

I'm taking up tennis because of my mom and it's a lot of fun. It's nice for the workout and you really can't think about anything but playing, cause if your mind wanders you've missed the ball.

I've met a cool friend and talking to someone has been fun. He's mailing me vinegar based BBQ sauce since apparently I've been missing out on a new and wonderful world of BBQ since I've only had mustard based.

I'm going to Warped Tour at the end of the month and I'm excited. It should be a lot of fun.

Feeling(s): scared, excited, knot in my chest, cold, and sad
Time: 5:58 PM

So last night I finally got a call from Johnny explaining the situation. And even though I was so mad at him I could never actually hate him. He's too amazing and I understand why he did what he did. I do wish him the very best and I really hope we can stay friends. (Also, of course part of me still loves him).

Brian and I have been talking a lot and he said I could either talk to him or Johnny not both. So I chose Johnny. I need an honest friend who gives good advice. I also don't take well to ultimatums. I do hope Johnny's new girlfiend is okay enough with me to allow our friendship. I'm not wanting to take him back. I want him happy. =)

I am really scared of being alone here, but I am determined to make friends and find cool people.

I am upset about completely exing Brian from my life. It hurts and it's going to take major time to be completely okay. I do still love him but I don't think it's for the best right now. We both just need to move on and continue with our lives.

Feeling(s): almost in tears
Time: 12:51 AM

Have I mentioned I hate facebook? Like really? Today has not been my day and a lot has to do with facebook. Can we just not be human and talk, be polite, and honest? Or do we hide behind this Internet world that is slowly eating us alive?

I find out Johnny is dating the girl through facebook. Also I see all the lovey-dovey stuff between them that I have been out of town to miss. Oh, but I did see something asked him about it and he avoided it. That's mature.

Johnny's (and I thought my) friend Mango decided to unfriend me. Friend her and be all nice. wtf? I didn't do anything to him and he never cared enough to ask me. Curtis did and I hope he doesn't hate me...

It just sucks. I knew I was fucked up to begin with and was honest about it. I was honest about almost everything no matter how much it hurt or how hard it was to say. Yet I get blamed for being fucked up! I said that from the start! Apparently people would rather have fake than the truth these days. I'm the person who will tell you upfront who I am and what to try and expect. I try not to lie or mislead yet it gets me no where. Apparently I should be a fake bitch because at least people know how to handle those types of people. I must be some crazy oddity.

P.S. - Yes, I feel like a stupid teenage girl and I'll admit to it. I just know I'd rather vent here (not like anyone even reads it) than go to bed upset and angry and risk nightmares. Even though after a day like today I should already expect them.

Good night.

Feeling(s): pissed, annoyed, frustrated, upset, tired, completely attacked by allergies
Time: 12:16 AM

It's just been one of those days.

I find out from Brian today that Johnny is dating someone. That's a surprise. He wanted to be close friends... yet he wouldn't even tell me he was into some girl? It's just whatever. I would have been SO happy for him cause I remember him talking about her. Now I really don't even want to be his friend or want to even care. I just can't believe it. I mean I was so pissed at Brain when he put him and Ash on facebook without telling Kelsey and him and Kelsey didn't date. Like really? I'm not happy I feel like I somewhat deserve an explanation since we had sex last Wednesday... But I guess it just doesn't matter. It's not like he was man enough to tell me how he was feeling. There were so many nights I hurt him by telling him how I felt or what was going on when I didn't even need to. It may not always have been for the best. But I promised him I'd be honest with him. I guess promises end when the relationship does. I just thought friends were better than that.

My analogy today. When I left Johnny for Brian I put all my chips in cause I felt I had the best hand, but I didn't. I lost. I bought back in but I don't have much. I've been surviving on the table with my meager buy in and loans from friends. I'm not going all in for quite some time. I'll be playing it safe for awhile.

Oh yea, and I said that karma would be a bitch.
*For leaving Brian - I had a complete freak out and had my heart broken when I went back
*For cheating on Johnny - he decides facebook is better at telling me what's going on in his life and also decides drunk sex is the way to go when I was almost black out. sweet.

Oh yea, got lost today for over an hour and a half trying to find my way to and from the animal shelter that we found was closed when we got there.

(The first lyrics that don't quite go with my mood. I just like the one line)

Feeling(s): so tired, clean, let down, still insecure, excited, and in planning mode
Time: 10:45 PM

We left VA this morning around 9:40 AM. Drove the rest of the way through VA, Maryland, Delaware and finally got to Pennsylvania. Maryland was crazy! We had to go around D.C. which even on a Sunday was crazy. I can only imagine during the week. It was so crazy to look up and see all of the other highways crossing over and such and people were maniacs. I found a nice Dodge truck though that became my pace car for about 45 min though. He really helped.

When we finally got to the apartment complex we got David to show us the way to the new house. For the first time I got to see it!! I really love the area and the house. It definitely needs some redecorating though, but that makes me happy! I am in major planning mode. =D

After we saw the house we came back to the apartment to get ready to meet Philip for dinner. He is the orchestra director at TCNJ and a good friend of David's. We talked about the music program and then we went to TCNJ and he showed me around the music building. Definitely not too much to see, but that doesn't bother me.

I found out that there are multiple companies that pick up your trash here... how weird. We're trying to find the cheapest company.

Right now I'm feeling pretty let down... I was looking forward to something all day. *sigh* That's the way of things though, no?

Feeling(s): exhausted, scared, sore, and sad
Time: 7:45 AM

I slept so bad last night. I was so tired and needing sleeping because yesterday I woke up at 6 AM, drove 6 hours, walked around a plantation, an swam in a pool. Beforoe bed I had to calm Kendall down and help her to stop crying because of the move which of course got my mind turning and got me scared also. I just woke up every few hours and had nightmares. The nightmares didn't have to do with the move though... I had gotten rid of this kind of nightmare. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow. I am so not as strong as I try to act or think I am sometimes.

Much Love