All You Need Is Love

Feeling: Pathetic
Time: 9:33 PM

So yea, update and somewhat of a clarification of last post. I had to see Brian Friday (I had one last thing) and I can't get him out of my head. I'm still so in love with him it hurts. I'm just so lost... I hate it. I seriously am trying not to be physically ill thinking about him with Ashley this weekend at her parent's house all weekend. I'm freaking out and I hate it. I'm so pathetic. I feel so insecure.

Feelin(s): exhausted, scared, lonely, slightly less excited, and finally...insecure
Time: 8:14 PM

So I drove 6 hours today. I am currently in Prince George, VA. My car did really well though. Went through a tank of gas and refilled when I get here. Wow. Gas is expensive. I am really sore though. My lower back is definitely the worst. I want a massage...

We went to Berkeley Plantation once we got into VA. It was really cool. Not quite what I expected. It felt so old. I love that feeling. There was a wedding going on. Really small and quaint. How cool. Definitely how I'd want my wedding. The guests weren't even all that dressed up. I really liked it. It made me sad...

We went to Ruby Tuesdays for dinner. I got the Brewmaster burger. It was supposed to have their own steak sauce on it. I would have rather had A1 on it. At least I tried something new.

I feel so insecure right now. I'm so uncertain about so much right now. What sucks is that I can't even talk about it. I really wish I had some sort of direction. I'm stuck again.

Okay, Pool time. I'll update soon. This is fun. haha.

Feeling(s): scared, excited, tired, kinda hungry, lonely, and loved
Time: 10:52 PM

I'm doing this new beginning just cause I feel like it. Also, the time stamp is never right so this is better.

So I'm sitting here at my grandmother's computer desk after coming back from a cookout at my mom's. Kendall and I decided to have people over to eat and chill. David, Max, Terrence and Johnny came to see me and Kendall had friends over too. I SO enjoyed seeing David and Max again. One, I realized why I weighed nothing in high school - I laughed my ass off all the damn time. Two, they're so amazing. I really do miss them. Max seems to have grown up some. I find it so fascinating. I loved seeing Terrence again cause I haven't seen him since spring break. I really am going to miss him too. Seeing Johnny was nice but sad too. We're not seeing each other in any romantic way anymore. One, I cheated on him with Brian. Two, I left him for Brian (Brian didn't take me back). Three, I'm moving.

I'm scared because I leave tomorrow bright and early for Pennsylvania. I'm not quite sure when I'll be back in Cola but it will be sometime mid to late June. That's so crazy. I am really excited though to see new things, hopefully meet new people and experience new stuff. I am still scared though because I feel so alone. Like even today I dropped my car off to get the brakes changed and I had to walk home. I always used to have someone there for me. Now I don't. I especially won't once I move. Yes, I will have my family, but it's different.

Well it's time to get offline. I need to finish packing and get to bed early. I have an early morning.

Much Love

So currently it feels as if my heart is being ripped from my chest

Yea, not a good feeling. Actually it makes me sick to my stomach and makes it incredibly hard to breathe.

Brian has me blocked on every form of communication. Yes, I still can get into the apt, but that would be psycho. I don't know why it hurts so bad, but God, does it ever...

I know I haven't posted in awhile and a lot has happened, but I'll update to fill you in (whoever you is). I'm trying to pack and sleep to help Johnny move out of his apt tomorrow morning before Kendall and I leave for the beach. I know we both need the trip.

Will update soon.


P.S. I hope Garth Brooks is right, I hope that heart aches are cured by the sea....

(realized I never finished this or posted it... eh, whatever. here you go)

You'll Find A Way To Make Things Right.


Okay, so from previous posts you know that my parents are divorced and I am not really on speaking terms with my father. Well Now he has been demoted back down to sperm doner. Fuck him.

So he came into town on April 2nd and I knew he'd be here and he knew Kendall wouldn't be here but that I would. He decided to send Kendall an e-mail to remind her he was going to be in town, but while he was here I did not receive an e-mail, a call or even a text message.... lame, right?

Well Kendall decided to e-mail him back and yell at him for the way he treated me cause it was awful. He had no reason not to call me. Well he retorted saying he's dealt with so much disrespect from me, my sister and the rest of my mom's family. Well let's see he filed for separation, had major mood swings, lied to me, and made us sell our house and my ponies before my senior year of HS. And he left us with all of his garbage and shit under the house and in his countless sheds... whatever.

And now my dad is saying all this shit about how he didn't want a separation just that he told mom he went to see a lawyer but didn't say for what.... This blows. I'm so tired of it. It'll be five years on Father's Day. I want it done with.

So now he's saying all this stuff like he didn't ask for a separation that he just told mom he went to a lawyer but didn't say about what and she freaked out on him. Started claiming he said he wants a divorce - so on and so forth. At this point I don't even care. It's too long gone now. It's just so funny that's he's saying this stuff now and not 5 years ago. I waited for so long for an explanation and I never got one. He could have called, sent a letter, just about anything! He didn't he just expected me to follow him along. Ugh. What a dumb bitch. I think I'm just going to e-mail him and tell him I want him out of my life permanently. I am so tired of all of this. I've gotten pretty good with living without him in my life. My daddy is dead anyway. I don't think he even exists in the shell of a person my new "dad" is.

Here's a song dedicated to you!

Rapid Hope Loss - Dashboard Confessional

You called to say you wanted out.
Well, I can't say I blame you now.
Sometimes you've got to fold
before you're found out.
Well thanks for waiting this long to show yourself.

Cause now that I can see you,
I don't think you're worth a second glance.

So much for all the promises you made, they served you well
and now you're gone and they're wasted on me.
So much for your endearing sense of charm, it served you well
and now it's gone and you're wasted on me.

You called to say you wanted out.
Well, I can't say I blame you now.
Sometimes you've got to fold
before you're found out.
Well thanks, thanks for waiting this long to show yourself, show yourself.

Cause now that I can see you,
I don't think you're worth a second glance.

So much for all the promises you made, they served you well
and now you're gone and they're wasted on me.
So much for your endearing sense of charm, it served you well
and now it's gone and you're wasted on me.

I guess that all you've got is all you're gonna give,
so much for, so much more
I guess that all you've got is all you're gonna give,
so much for, so much more

Do what you must if that's what you wish,
I can't be a party to this
You have a sense that you were born with
You'll find a way to make things right.

I guess that all you've got is all you're gonna give
so much for, so much more
I guess that all you've got is all you're gonna give
so much for, so much more
I guess that all you've got is all you're gonna give
so much for, so much more

So it has definitely been awhile since I last posted - And damn, has a lot happened.

So I'll just start and give a brief overview:
I met a guy.
I cheated on my fiance with him (we made out).
I left my Brian for Johnny (basically).
I have really found myself again and I am SO incredibly happy - it's crazy.
I realized I had changed a lot and lost myself a lot in Brian. (No fun).
I had some good days and bad days... (now just good days and bad moments).
Johnny is AMAZING. He is a nice guy. Normally girls don't go for the "nice" guy... but I did. And I am not sure if I could have appreciated him before now.
I don't really have a set place to live. I was living with Brian - some of my stuff is still there, I have most of my stuff at my grandmother's, and I stay a lot of nights with Johnny.
I got my tongue pierced (it's been a week). I finally got the short bar in. Thank goodness!
Brian met a girl and he seems really happy. I truly think she's better for him than I ever could have been. (I am really happy for him).
I adore Johnny's friends and probably get along better with them than Brian's Charleston friends. (and she gets along well with all of his friends, yay!)
Johnny fits in with my family so well. Him and my sister fight like siblings and my mom loves him. (WOW didn't think she'd ever like someone I was with, haha).
I probably will be moving to Pennsylvania with my family in August... I'll be spending a lot of my summer up there as well. Hopefully, Johnny will be able to come up to. (Each day though I start getting more and more scared and sad about leaving here and him...).

Okay, so that's the basic breakdown of the past month or so...

Right now I'm still waiting for my tongue to heal so I'm not as nervous about it and so I can drink alcohol again, haha.
I'm helping my sister get ready for prom! (She's a freshman going with her senior boyfriend).
I'm stressing about the end of the school year. (AGH!)
I'm SO excited about May because David's (my step-dad) daughter, her husband and their two little girls (2 and 4) are coming into SC from Russia! The girls have never been to the states and they will be spending 2 weeks in Hilton head and 2 weeks in Garden City! I am so excited to share America things with them and also to let them experience the warm weather of the beach in SC!! (No joke it's getting me through to the end ofthe semester).
I'm going to see Turnadot with my family and Johnny Sunday and I am so excited to share with him an opera! Oh, we're also going to my Methodist church in the mornign before because I went with him and his family to his Presbyterian church on Easter. (He had Easter dinner with my family... wow it was hilarious!)
I'm also still trying to get the rest of my stuff out of my old apartment and into my parent's storage unit. It's just tough. (Ugh...)

So that's what is going on now.

On a side note I hate my dad even more. He texted me a few weeks before he was going to be coming into town to let me know. I texted him back to let him know I would be in town but my mom and sister would not be. He said that was fine. When he came into town April 2nd he sent Kendall an e-mail to let her know and I did not even receive a text message... Yea he's a ass. He only calls me when he's in town so I can bring Kendall by and not my mom. What a fucking asshole. Really? Apparently I really do not matter to him. And I wonder why I'm so bitter about marriage and such. Fuck him.


Well that's about it for now. Hopefully I'll start to post more so I can keep up with the next few months before I move. I know it'll be wonderufl to look back on. I am so excited about the rest of my time here... no joke.

Much Love,
Claudia