All You Need Is Love

I just realized something while looking at some old lyrics (facebook posts - lyrics games). Most of the songs I have remembered lyrics from are not the happiest songs - probably because I listened to music more back in high school (I'm getting back to it now). I also realized that I am in a state of change. I am changing my ways, growing up little by little, accepting things from the past, and trying so hard to open up to new people (or even just more so to people I have known). My fiance is the best thing to have ever happened to me. No, we were not always perfect, but now our relationship is about as close as it gets. And truthfully I am not used to this feeling of happiness and low stress... I know this may sound strange, but it's true.
A look to the past:
Elementary school, 4th grade - I was picked on so badly that basically everyday I was almost brought to tears. I was too scrawny, too short, rode horses, too shy, read too much - you name it... I was the rejected kid, not the ignored one, oh no, that would have been preferred.
Middle School 7th and 8th grade- I was the token band geek - they had gotten away from picking on me for riding horses, because they met "cool" kids who did now. Now they (yes same group. My mom was friends with their parents had known them since I was 3) had moved on to the fact that I liked playing oboe and could do it well - Go Me. Everyday it was something new. I hated them for it. I had finally branched out and met new people but they were in none of my classes.
High School - I had definitely completely branched out from that old group and met MUCH better people, mainly band kids. Unfortunately, my parents fighting became a constant at home (I remember them fighting since I was 5). Now I was old enough to step in and try to stop it - or worse be blamed for it. I was the reason my mom was stressed, I costed too much money, I required too much time... so on and so forth. (Like I said before, it ended the summer before junior year). Also, I was in love with someone I shouldn't be - one of my friend's boyfriends. Well... junior year him and I started dating - after plenty of drama and hate though. But the cards were still not stacked in my favor, yes we were madly in love, extremely compatible, and passionate, but his parents hated me. Apparently I was a "bitchy manipulative slut" (that was a new one). So yea, I learned a lot from our relationship, and hurt way too much when it ended. I switched schools senior year after my mom, sister and I moved downtown to save money on gas, save time, and to get my boyfriend's parents off our case as much as possible. Unfortunately the distance was a bit much for him and I was dumped. Also, it probably didn't help that being at a new school and being terribly lonely (all my fault though) made me incredibly depressed and needy. There were also other tiring and hurtful things that happened to me (two people in particular) that I will not mention just because I do not know who reads this.

All and all my grade school years were not always happy to say the least. And after my parents divorce I was even on anti-depressants Yea, I had some great horse back riding memories, great friends at times, and sometimes an even functional family life.

College - Wow, did it sneak up on me and I was so not ready for it. I chose someone new over my ex because I was tired of being hurt. It was a fun 2 month relationship that was definitely different than anything in the past. He started me drinking and took my virginity (both my decisions). After that ended I was so confused about the whole college experience. Then I met my fiance. That was a roller coaster in itself. He was dating someone, thinking he was still in love with his HS ex, then he met me. And we had immediate chemistry - it was amazing. But all so crazy. We broke up a couple times, fought like cats and dogs (mainly because of his feelings for an ex). I knew he loved me as much as I loved him it was just complicated, and being the already wounded puppy that I was, I stayed around. I'm very glad I did.

Now I'm actually in this state where I get along well with my family (excluding my dad), am in a happy and healthy committed relationship, doing well in school, have a pretty good part-time job, and have good friends.
As sad as it sounds, I do not know what to do with it. I just had an issue where I was going back into a state of depression and I do not know why! I think I was just always used to it that now that I'm not I'm just so lost.
So, one of my goals is to understand and feel out this new-found state of happiness. I'm tired of being scared of being hurt or left, and just being scared of getting close to anyone. I do not have too many really close friends and I do want to change that I just don't know how to go about doing it.

So now to start a new chapter in my life.

Wish Me Luck!

First I’ll give a little bit of background on myself:
- I am 20 years-old
- 5’0” tall
- I am working on getting more in shape
- Haven’t had soda or fast food since January 11
- Third year of college
o I spent one year as a music performance major (oboe), one semester not knowing what to do, now I am in elementary education and hopefully minoring in speech pathology.
o I had 3.5 years of speech therapy myself (kindergarten to half-way through 3rd grade)
- Engaged, started dating December 2006, engaged a year later; we live together
- We have two hedgehogs, Maple (female cinnacot) and Bit (male albino); and a beautiful blue Beta fish, Fernandez
- My parents got divorced when I was 15, summer before junior year of H.S.
- My sister is 5 years younger than I am, I am almost a second parental force in her life
- My mom is remarried
- My step-dad was born and raised in England and is 20 years older than my mom
- My dad and I are not on speaking terms
- I grew up a daddy’s girl
- I also grew up in the South; from 4th-11th grade I lived on 7 acres with 3 ponies, 3 dogs, 7 cats and a pool
- I get along better with guys, I don’t have a single close girl friend
- I listen to all types of music, I just prefer music other than rap, and always love recommendations
o My dad had me listening to classic rock
o My mom and grandmother had me listening to classical, country, oldies, and musical soundtracks
o I listened to popular 90s music and early 2000s
o I started listening to “alternative” music in 7th grade. First “punk-rock” CD was Blink-182’s Take Off Your Pants and Jacket
- I love to read, favorite author is Neil Gaiman; same thing with recommendations
- My favorite book though is His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman
- I love old (and some new) musicals and classic Disney movies (most of the new ones too)
- I used to ride horses (rather ponies), I owned 3, hunter-jumper (English riding), showed from 3rd grade until 8th grade
- Reason why I stopped showing was because I joined marching band in 8th grade and between marching and concert band I had no time =(
- I wish I still rode
- I was a “good kid” in H.S. – didn’t drink or smoke or have sex, honors and AP classes, all-state band member
- I started drinking and having sex right before college (beginning of August 2006)
- No, my fiancé was not my first or only.
- I still do not smoke, and I hate it.
- I’m beginning to cook more and learn my way around it a bit more
- I am a fan of the green revolution
o Reduce, Reuse, And Recycle!
- I have 8 piercings and 2 tattoos, but I dress rather “preppy”
- I’m agnostic

Okay, so now that you know my history you will better understand this blog. I do not know how much I’ll update this; be it daily, weekly, whatever. I’ll probably post interesting happenings, rants, likes and dislikes, and other nonsense. I just sometimes get the urge to vent or just type a lot and this seems like a great way to do that. I appreciate all comments, questions, and suggestions!

By the way: This is my personal blog. I may sometimes refer to my more “professional” blogs about my educational experience (i.e. – my practicum, good teaching ideas, children’s books and so forth) and my family’s travel experiences (I have family all over the world now since my mom got remarried). When/If I relate something in here to one of them I’ll just post the link to that one. I just do not want my family to read this one.