All You Need Is Love

Mood: Tired, but happy.
Time: 10:40 PM

The nights here are beautiful. I had to put on PJ bottoms because it got so chilly outside. I turned off the lights, grabbed a good dark beer, turned a chair around on the porch and looked out into the backyard and into the sky. What did I see? I saw a backyard glimmering with lightning bugs and a night sky shimmering with stars. I haven't seen that many lightning bugs in so long. What made the night even better was being on the phone with someone wonderful. I love people who you can talk to about just about anything and in an intelligent way. Especially when there is also humor as well.

There is nothing wrong with smiling like a moron.

Feeling(s): lonely, tired, annoyed, but overall pretty good
Time: 12:54 PM

So, it's been awhile since I updated and a lot has happened. Johnny apparently falls more in love with Gabby each day and I'm annoyed with him so I'm trying not to talk to him. Brian is still with Ash, yet we're talking to each other again. I met this guy Luke who I slept with then decided to tell me that I had too much baggage (he dated some chick for 3 days just a few days after me). People are very annoying.

Johnny and I talked and hung out for about 4 hours Friday night cause he needed a ride back to his car. We had a 30 minute hug and more tears. The next day I was told him and Gabby were unfriending me from facebook. People suck. It's lovely to hear that someone still cares about you as a person and wants to be there for you, then they bail.

Brian is still a clusterfuck of emotions for me. I still love him, yet I don't know if I still want a future, but if I see myself married witrh kids I still see him. Ugh. (yes, I fall into the category of people suck).

I've been hanging out with a lot of people this summer and it's been great fun. I've been trying to stay out of trouble as much as possible and so far so good basically.

I'm taking up tennis because of my mom and it's a lot of fun. It's nice for the workout and you really can't think about anything but playing, cause if your mind wanders you've missed the ball.

I've met a cool friend and talking to someone has been fun. He's mailing me vinegar based BBQ sauce since apparently I've been missing out on a new and wonderful world of BBQ since I've only had mustard based.

I'm going to Warped Tour at the end of the month and I'm excited. It should be a lot of fun.

Feeling(s): scared, excited, knot in my chest, cold, and sad
Time: 5:58 PM

So last night I finally got a call from Johnny explaining the situation. And even though I was so mad at him I could never actually hate him. He's too amazing and I understand why he did what he did. I do wish him the very best and I really hope we can stay friends. (Also, of course part of me still loves him).

Brian and I have been talking a lot and he said I could either talk to him or Johnny not both. So I chose Johnny. I need an honest friend who gives good advice. I also don't take well to ultimatums. I do hope Johnny's new girlfiend is okay enough with me to allow our friendship. I'm not wanting to take him back. I want him happy. =)

I am really scared of being alone here, but I am determined to make friends and find cool people.

I am upset about completely exing Brian from my life. It hurts and it's going to take major time to be completely okay. I do still love him but I don't think it's for the best right now. We both just need to move on and continue with our lives.

Feeling(s): almost in tears
Time: 12:51 AM

Have I mentioned I hate facebook? Like really? Today has not been my day and a lot has to do with facebook. Can we just not be human and talk, be polite, and honest? Or do we hide behind this Internet world that is slowly eating us alive?

I find out Johnny is dating the girl through facebook. Also I see all the lovey-dovey stuff between them that I have been out of town to miss. Oh, but I did see something asked him about it and he avoided it. That's mature.

Johnny's (and I thought my) friend Mango decided to unfriend me. Friend her and be all nice. wtf? I didn't do anything to him and he never cared enough to ask me. Curtis did and I hope he doesn't hate me...

It just sucks. I knew I was fucked up to begin with and was honest about it. I was honest about almost everything no matter how much it hurt or how hard it was to say. Yet I get blamed for being fucked up! I said that from the start! Apparently people would rather have fake than the truth these days. I'm the person who will tell you upfront who I am and what to try and expect. I try not to lie or mislead yet it gets me no where. Apparently I should be a fake bitch because at least people know how to handle those types of people. I must be some crazy oddity.

P.S. - Yes, I feel like a stupid teenage girl and I'll admit to it. I just know I'd rather vent here (not like anyone even reads it) than go to bed upset and angry and risk nightmares. Even though after a day like today I should already expect them.

Good night.

Feeling(s): pissed, annoyed, frustrated, upset, tired, completely attacked by allergies
Time: 12:16 AM

It's just been one of those days.

I find out from Brian today that Johnny is dating someone. That's a surprise. He wanted to be close friends... yet he wouldn't even tell me he was into some girl? It's just whatever. I would have been SO happy for him cause I remember him talking about her. Now I really don't even want to be his friend or want to even care. I just can't believe it. I mean I was so pissed at Brain when he put him and Ash on facebook without telling Kelsey and him and Kelsey didn't date. Like really? I'm not happy I feel like I somewhat deserve an explanation since we had sex last Wednesday... But I guess it just doesn't matter. It's not like he was man enough to tell me how he was feeling. There were so many nights I hurt him by telling him how I felt or what was going on when I didn't even need to. It may not always have been for the best. But I promised him I'd be honest with him. I guess promises end when the relationship does. I just thought friends were better than that.

My analogy today. When I left Johnny for Brian I put all my chips in cause I felt I had the best hand, but I didn't. I lost. I bought back in but I don't have much. I've been surviving on the table with my meager buy in and loans from friends. I'm not going all in for quite some time. I'll be playing it safe for awhile.

Oh yea, and I said that karma would be a bitch.
*For leaving Brian - I had a complete freak out and had my heart broken when I went back
*For cheating on Johnny - he decides facebook is better at telling me what's going on in his life and also decides drunk sex is the way to go when I was almost black out. sweet.

Oh yea, got lost today for over an hour and a half trying to find my way to and from the animal shelter that we found was closed when we got there.

(The first lyrics that don't quite go with my mood. I just like the one line)

Feeling(s): so tired, clean, let down, still insecure, excited, and in planning mode
Time: 10:45 PM

We left VA this morning around 9:40 AM. Drove the rest of the way through VA, Maryland, Delaware and finally got to Pennsylvania. Maryland was crazy! We had to go around D.C. which even on a Sunday was crazy. I can only imagine during the week. It was so crazy to look up and see all of the other highways crossing over and such and people were maniacs. I found a nice Dodge truck though that became my pace car for about 45 min though. He really helped.

When we finally got to the apartment complex we got David to show us the way to the new house. For the first time I got to see it!! I really love the area and the house. It definitely needs some redecorating though, but that makes me happy! I am in major planning mode. =D

After we saw the house we came back to the apartment to get ready to meet Philip for dinner. He is the orchestra director at TCNJ and a good friend of David's. We talked about the music program and then we went to TCNJ and he showed me around the music building. Definitely not too much to see, but that doesn't bother me.

I found out that there are multiple companies that pick up your trash here... how weird. We're trying to find the cheapest company.

Right now I'm feeling pretty let down... I was looking forward to something all day. *sigh* That's the way of things though, no?

Feeling(s): exhausted, scared, sore, and sad
Time: 7:45 AM

I slept so bad last night. I was so tired and needing sleeping because yesterday I woke up at 6 AM, drove 6 hours, walked around a plantation, an swam in a pool. Beforoe bed I had to calm Kendall down and help her to stop crying because of the move which of course got my mind turning and got me scared also. I just woke up every few hours and had nightmares. The nightmares didn't have to do with the move though... I had gotten rid of this kind of nightmare. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow. I am so not as strong as I try to act or think I am sometimes.

Much Love

Feeling: Pathetic
Time: 9:33 PM

So yea, update and somewhat of a clarification of last post. I had to see Brian Friday (I had one last thing) and I can't get him out of my head. I'm still so in love with him it hurts. I'm just so lost... I hate it. I seriously am trying not to be physically ill thinking about him with Ashley this weekend at her parent's house all weekend. I'm freaking out and I hate it. I'm so pathetic. I feel so insecure.

Feelin(s): exhausted, scared, lonely, slightly less excited, and finally...insecure
Time: 8:14 PM

So I drove 6 hours today. I am currently in Prince George, VA. My car did really well though. Went through a tank of gas and refilled when I get here. Wow. Gas is expensive. I am really sore though. My lower back is definitely the worst. I want a massage...

We went to Berkeley Plantation once we got into VA. It was really cool. Not quite what I expected. It felt so old. I love that feeling. There was a wedding going on. Really small and quaint. How cool. Definitely how I'd want my wedding. The guests weren't even all that dressed up. I really liked it. It made me sad...

We went to Ruby Tuesdays for dinner. I got the Brewmaster burger. It was supposed to have their own steak sauce on it. I would have rather had A1 on it. At least I tried something new.

I feel so insecure right now. I'm so uncertain about so much right now. What sucks is that I can't even talk about it. I really wish I had some sort of direction. I'm stuck again.

Okay, Pool time. I'll update soon. This is fun. haha.

Feeling(s): scared, excited, tired, kinda hungry, lonely, and loved
Time: 10:52 PM

I'm doing this new beginning just cause I feel like it. Also, the time stamp is never right so this is better.

So I'm sitting here at my grandmother's computer desk after coming back from a cookout at my mom's. Kendall and I decided to have people over to eat and chill. David, Max, Terrence and Johnny came to see me and Kendall had friends over too. I SO enjoyed seeing David and Max again. One, I realized why I weighed nothing in high school - I laughed my ass off all the damn time. Two, they're so amazing. I really do miss them. Max seems to have grown up some. I find it so fascinating. I loved seeing Terrence again cause I haven't seen him since spring break. I really am going to miss him too. Seeing Johnny was nice but sad too. We're not seeing each other in any romantic way anymore. One, I cheated on him with Brian. Two, I left him for Brian (Brian didn't take me back). Three, I'm moving.

I'm scared because I leave tomorrow bright and early for Pennsylvania. I'm not quite sure when I'll be back in Cola but it will be sometime mid to late June. That's so crazy. I am really excited though to see new things, hopefully meet new people and experience new stuff. I am still scared though because I feel so alone. Like even today I dropped my car off to get the brakes changed and I had to walk home. I always used to have someone there for me. Now I don't. I especially won't once I move. Yes, I will have my family, but it's different.

Well it's time to get offline. I need to finish packing and get to bed early. I have an early morning.

Much Love

So currently it feels as if my heart is being ripped from my chest

Yea, not a good feeling. Actually it makes me sick to my stomach and makes it incredibly hard to breathe.

Brian has me blocked on every form of communication. Yes, I still can get into the apt, but that would be psycho. I don't know why it hurts so bad, but God, does it ever...

I know I haven't posted in awhile and a lot has happened, but I'll update to fill you in (whoever you is). I'm trying to pack and sleep to help Johnny move out of his apt tomorrow morning before Kendall and I leave for the beach. I know we both need the trip.

Will update soon.


P.S. I hope Garth Brooks is right, I hope that heart aches are cured by the sea....

(realized I never finished this or posted it... eh, whatever. here you go)

You'll Find A Way To Make Things Right.


Okay, so from previous posts you know that my parents are divorced and I am not really on speaking terms with my father. Well Now he has been demoted back down to sperm doner. Fuck him.

So he came into town on April 2nd and I knew he'd be here and he knew Kendall wouldn't be here but that I would. He decided to send Kendall an e-mail to remind her he was going to be in town, but while he was here I did not receive an e-mail, a call or even a text message.... lame, right?

Well Kendall decided to e-mail him back and yell at him for the way he treated me cause it was awful. He had no reason not to call me. Well he retorted saying he's dealt with so much disrespect from me, my sister and the rest of my mom's family. Well let's see he filed for separation, had major mood swings, lied to me, and made us sell our house and my ponies before my senior year of HS. And he left us with all of his garbage and shit under the house and in his countless sheds... whatever.

And now my dad is saying all this shit about how he didn't want a separation just that he told mom he went to see a lawyer but didn't say for what.... This blows. I'm so tired of it. It'll be five years on Father's Day. I want it done with.

So now he's saying all this stuff like he didn't ask for a separation that he just told mom he went to a lawyer but didn't say about what and she freaked out on him. Started claiming he said he wants a divorce - so on and so forth. At this point I don't even care. It's too long gone now. It's just so funny that's he's saying this stuff now and not 5 years ago. I waited for so long for an explanation and I never got one. He could have called, sent a letter, just about anything! He didn't he just expected me to follow him along. Ugh. What a dumb bitch. I think I'm just going to e-mail him and tell him I want him out of my life permanently. I am so tired of all of this. I've gotten pretty good with living without him in my life. My daddy is dead anyway. I don't think he even exists in the shell of a person my new "dad" is.

Here's a song dedicated to you!

Rapid Hope Loss - Dashboard Confessional

You called to say you wanted out.
Well, I can't say I blame you now.
Sometimes you've got to fold
before you're found out.
Well thanks for waiting this long to show yourself.

Cause now that I can see you,
I don't think you're worth a second glance.

So much for all the promises you made, they served you well
and now you're gone and they're wasted on me.
So much for your endearing sense of charm, it served you well
and now it's gone and you're wasted on me.

You called to say you wanted out.
Well, I can't say I blame you now.
Sometimes you've got to fold
before you're found out.
Well thanks, thanks for waiting this long to show yourself, show yourself.

Cause now that I can see you,
I don't think you're worth a second glance.

So much for all the promises you made, they served you well
and now you're gone and they're wasted on me.
So much for your endearing sense of charm, it served you well
and now it's gone and you're wasted on me.

I guess that all you've got is all you're gonna give,
so much for, so much more
I guess that all you've got is all you're gonna give,
so much for, so much more

Do what you must if that's what you wish,
I can't be a party to this
You have a sense that you were born with
You'll find a way to make things right.

I guess that all you've got is all you're gonna give
so much for, so much more
I guess that all you've got is all you're gonna give
so much for, so much more
I guess that all you've got is all you're gonna give
so much for, so much more

So it has definitely been awhile since I last posted - And damn, has a lot happened.

So I'll just start and give a brief overview:
I met a guy.
I cheated on my fiance with him (we made out).
I left my Brian for Johnny (basically).
I have really found myself again and I am SO incredibly happy - it's crazy.
I realized I had changed a lot and lost myself a lot in Brian. (No fun).
I had some good days and bad days... (now just good days and bad moments).
Johnny is AMAZING. He is a nice guy. Normally girls don't go for the "nice" guy... but I did. And I am not sure if I could have appreciated him before now.
I don't really have a set place to live. I was living with Brian - some of my stuff is still there, I have most of my stuff at my grandmother's, and I stay a lot of nights with Johnny.
I got my tongue pierced (it's been a week). I finally got the short bar in. Thank goodness!
Brian met a girl and he seems really happy. I truly think she's better for him than I ever could have been. (I am really happy for him).
I adore Johnny's friends and probably get along better with them than Brian's Charleston friends. (and she gets along well with all of his friends, yay!)
Johnny fits in with my family so well. Him and my sister fight like siblings and my mom loves him. (WOW didn't think she'd ever like someone I was with, haha).
I probably will be moving to Pennsylvania with my family in August... I'll be spending a lot of my summer up there as well. Hopefully, Johnny will be able to come up to. (Each day though I start getting more and more scared and sad about leaving here and him...).

Okay, so that's the basic breakdown of the past month or so...

Right now I'm still waiting for my tongue to heal so I'm not as nervous about it and so I can drink alcohol again, haha.
I'm helping my sister get ready for prom! (She's a freshman going with her senior boyfriend).
I'm stressing about the end of the school year. (AGH!)
I'm SO excited about May because David's (my step-dad) daughter, her husband and their two little girls (2 and 4) are coming into SC from Russia! The girls have never been to the states and they will be spending 2 weeks in Hilton head and 2 weeks in Garden City! I am so excited to share America things with them and also to let them experience the warm weather of the beach in SC!! (No joke it's getting me through to the end ofthe semester).
I'm going to see Turnadot with my family and Johnny Sunday and I am so excited to share with him an opera! Oh, we're also going to my Methodist church in the mornign before because I went with him and his family to his Presbyterian church on Easter. (He had Easter dinner with my family... wow it was hilarious!)
I'm also still trying to get the rest of my stuff out of my old apartment and into my parent's storage unit. It's just tough. (Ugh...)

So that's what is going on now.

On a side note I hate my dad even more. He texted me a few weeks before he was going to be coming into town to let me know. I texted him back to let him know I would be in town but my mom and sister would not be. He said that was fine. When he came into town April 2nd he sent Kendall an e-mail to let her know and I did not even receive a text message... Yea he's a ass. He only calls me when he's in town so I can bring Kendall by and not my mom. What a fucking asshole. Really? Apparently I really do not matter to him. And I wonder why I'm so bitter about marriage and such. Fuck him.


Well that's about it for now. Hopefully I'll start to post more so I can keep up with the next few months before I move. I know it'll be wonderufl to look back on. I am so excited about the rest of my time here... no joke.

Much Love,
Claudia

I just realized something while looking at some old lyrics (facebook posts - lyrics games). Most of the songs I have remembered lyrics from are not the happiest songs - probably because I listened to music more back in high school (I'm getting back to it now). I also realized that I am in a state of change. I am changing my ways, growing up little by little, accepting things from the past, and trying so hard to open up to new people (or even just more so to people I have known). My fiance is the best thing to have ever happened to me. No, we were not always perfect, but now our relationship is about as close as it gets. And truthfully I am not used to this feeling of happiness and low stress... I know this may sound strange, but it's true.
A look to the past:
Elementary school, 4th grade - I was picked on so badly that basically everyday I was almost brought to tears. I was too scrawny, too short, rode horses, too shy, read too much - you name it... I was the rejected kid, not the ignored one, oh no, that would have been preferred.
Middle School 7th and 8th grade- I was the token band geek - they had gotten away from picking on me for riding horses, because they met "cool" kids who did now. Now they (yes same group. My mom was friends with their parents had known them since I was 3) had moved on to the fact that I liked playing oboe and could do it well - Go Me. Everyday it was something new. I hated them for it. I had finally branched out and met new people but they were in none of my classes.
High School - I had definitely completely branched out from that old group and met MUCH better people, mainly band kids. Unfortunately, my parents fighting became a constant at home (I remember them fighting since I was 5). Now I was old enough to step in and try to stop it - or worse be blamed for it. I was the reason my mom was stressed, I costed too much money, I required too much time... so on and so forth. (Like I said before, it ended the summer before junior year). Also, I was in love with someone I shouldn't be - one of my friend's boyfriends. Well... junior year him and I started dating - after plenty of drama and hate though. But the cards were still not stacked in my favor, yes we were madly in love, extremely compatible, and passionate, but his parents hated me. Apparently I was a "bitchy manipulative slut" (that was a new one). So yea, I learned a lot from our relationship, and hurt way too much when it ended. I switched schools senior year after my mom, sister and I moved downtown to save money on gas, save time, and to get my boyfriend's parents off our case as much as possible. Unfortunately the distance was a bit much for him and I was dumped. Also, it probably didn't help that being at a new school and being terribly lonely (all my fault though) made me incredibly depressed and needy. There were also other tiring and hurtful things that happened to me (two people in particular) that I will not mention just because I do not know who reads this.

All and all my grade school years were not always happy to say the least. And after my parents divorce I was even on anti-depressants Yea, I had some great horse back riding memories, great friends at times, and sometimes an even functional family life.

College - Wow, did it sneak up on me and I was so not ready for it. I chose someone new over my ex because I was tired of being hurt. It was a fun 2 month relationship that was definitely different than anything in the past. He started me drinking and took my virginity (both my decisions). After that ended I was so confused about the whole college experience. Then I met my fiance. That was a roller coaster in itself. He was dating someone, thinking he was still in love with his HS ex, then he met me. And we had immediate chemistry - it was amazing. But all so crazy. We broke up a couple times, fought like cats and dogs (mainly because of his feelings for an ex). I knew he loved me as much as I loved him it was just complicated, and being the already wounded puppy that I was, I stayed around. I'm very glad I did.

Now I'm actually in this state where I get along well with my family (excluding my dad), am in a happy and healthy committed relationship, doing well in school, have a pretty good part-time job, and have good friends.
As sad as it sounds, I do not know what to do with it. I just had an issue where I was going back into a state of depression and I do not know why! I think I was just always used to it that now that I'm not I'm just so lost.
So, one of my goals is to understand and feel out this new-found state of happiness. I'm tired of being scared of being hurt or left, and just being scared of getting close to anyone. I do not have too many really close friends and I do want to change that I just don't know how to go about doing it.

So now to start a new chapter in my life.

Wish Me Luck!

First I’ll give a little bit of background on myself:
- I am 20 years-old
- 5’0” tall
- I am working on getting more in shape
- Haven’t had soda or fast food since January 11
- Third year of college
o I spent one year as a music performance major (oboe), one semester not knowing what to do, now I am in elementary education and hopefully minoring in speech pathology.
o I had 3.5 years of speech therapy myself (kindergarten to half-way through 3rd grade)
- Engaged, started dating December 2006, engaged a year later; we live together
- We have two hedgehogs, Maple (female cinnacot) and Bit (male albino); and a beautiful blue Beta fish, Fernandez
- My parents got divorced when I was 15, summer before junior year of H.S.
- My sister is 5 years younger than I am, I am almost a second parental force in her life
- My mom is remarried
- My step-dad was born and raised in England and is 20 years older than my mom
- My dad and I are not on speaking terms
- I grew up a daddy’s girl
- I also grew up in the South; from 4th-11th grade I lived on 7 acres with 3 ponies, 3 dogs, 7 cats and a pool
- I get along better with guys, I don’t have a single close girl friend
- I listen to all types of music, I just prefer music other than rap, and always love recommendations
o My dad had me listening to classic rock
o My mom and grandmother had me listening to classical, country, oldies, and musical soundtracks
o I listened to popular 90s music and early 2000s
o I started listening to “alternative” music in 7th grade. First “punk-rock” CD was Blink-182’s Take Off Your Pants and Jacket
- I love to read, favorite author is Neil Gaiman; same thing with recommendations
- My favorite book though is His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman
- I love old (and some new) musicals and classic Disney movies (most of the new ones too)
- I used to ride horses (rather ponies), I owned 3, hunter-jumper (English riding), showed from 3rd grade until 8th grade
- Reason why I stopped showing was because I joined marching band in 8th grade and between marching and concert band I had no time =(
- I wish I still rode
- I was a “good kid” in H.S. – didn’t drink or smoke or have sex, honors and AP classes, all-state band member
- I started drinking and having sex right before college (beginning of August 2006)
- No, my fiancé was not my first or only.
- I still do not smoke, and I hate it.
- I’m beginning to cook more and learn my way around it a bit more
- I am a fan of the green revolution
o Reduce, Reuse, And Recycle!
- I have 8 piercings and 2 tattoos, but I dress rather “preppy”
- I’m agnostic

Okay, so now that you know my history you will better understand this blog. I do not know how much I’ll update this; be it daily, weekly, whatever. I’ll probably post interesting happenings, rants, likes and dislikes, and other nonsense. I just sometimes get the urge to vent or just type a lot and this seems like a great way to do that. I appreciate all comments, questions, and suggestions!

By the way: This is my personal blog. I may sometimes refer to my more “professional” blogs about my educational experience (i.e. – my practicum, good teaching ideas, children’s books and so forth) and my family’s travel experiences (I have family all over the world now since my mom got remarried). When/If I relate something in here to one of them I’ll just post the link to that one. I just do not want my family to read this one.