All You Need Is Love

Feeling(s): scared, excited, knot in my chest, cold, and sad
Time: 5:58 PM

So last night I finally got a call from Johnny explaining the situation. And even though I was so mad at him I could never actually hate him. He's too amazing and I understand why he did what he did. I do wish him the very best and I really hope we can stay friends. (Also, of course part of me still loves him).

Brian and I have been talking a lot and he said I could either talk to him or Johnny not both. So I chose Johnny. I need an honest friend who gives good advice. I also don't take well to ultimatums. I do hope Johnny's new girlfiend is okay enough with me to allow our friendship. I'm not wanting to take him back. I want him happy. =)

I am really scared of being alone here, but I am determined to make friends and find cool people.

I am upset about completely exing Brian from my life. It hurts and it's going to take major time to be completely okay. I do still love him but I don't think it's for the best right now. We both just need to move on and continue with our lives.

Feeling(s): almost in tears
Time: 12:51 AM

Have I mentioned I hate facebook? Like really? Today has not been my day and a lot has to do with facebook. Can we just not be human and talk, be polite, and honest? Or do we hide behind this Internet world that is slowly eating us alive?

I find out Johnny is dating the girl through facebook. Also I see all the lovey-dovey stuff between them that I have been out of town to miss. Oh, but I did see something asked him about it and he avoided it. That's mature.

Johnny's (and I thought my) friend Mango decided to unfriend me. Friend her and be all nice. wtf? I didn't do anything to him and he never cared enough to ask me. Curtis did and I hope he doesn't hate me...

It just sucks. I knew I was fucked up to begin with and was honest about it. I was honest about almost everything no matter how much it hurt or how hard it was to say. Yet I get blamed for being fucked up! I said that from the start! Apparently people would rather have fake than the truth these days. I'm the person who will tell you upfront who I am and what to try and expect. I try not to lie or mislead yet it gets me no where. Apparently I should be a fake bitch because at least people know how to handle those types of people. I must be some crazy oddity.

P.S. - Yes, I feel like a stupid teenage girl and I'll admit to it. I just know I'd rather vent here (not like anyone even reads it) than go to bed upset and angry and risk nightmares. Even though after a day like today I should already expect them.

Good night.

Feeling(s): pissed, annoyed, frustrated, upset, tired, completely attacked by allergies
Time: 12:16 AM

It's just been one of those days.

I find out from Brian today that Johnny is dating someone. That's a surprise. He wanted to be close friends... yet he wouldn't even tell me he was into some girl? It's just whatever. I would have been SO happy for him cause I remember him talking about her. Now I really don't even want to be his friend or want to even care. I just can't believe it. I mean I was so pissed at Brain when he put him and Ash on facebook without telling Kelsey and him and Kelsey didn't date. Like really? I'm not happy I feel like I somewhat deserve an explanation since we had sex last Wednesday... But I guess it just doesn't matter. It's not like he was man enough to tell me how he was feeling. There were so many nights I hurt him by telling him how I felt or what was going on when I didn't even need to. It may not always have been for the best. But I promised him I'd be honest with him. I guess promises end when the relationship does. I just thought friends were better than that.

My analogy today. When I left Johnny for Brian I put all my chips in cause I felt I had the best hand, but I didn't. I lost. I bought back in but I don't have much. I've been surviving on the table with my meager buy in and loans from friends. I'm not going all in for quite some time. I'll be playing it safe for awhile.

Oh yea, and I said that karma would be a bitch.
*For leaving Brian - I had a complete freak out and had my heart broken when I went back
*For cheating on Johnny - he decides facebook is better at telling me what's going on in his life and also decides drunk sex is the way to go when I was almost black out. sweet.

Oh yea, got lost today for over an hour and a half trying to find my way to and from the animal shelter that we found was closed when we got there.

(The first lyrics that don't quite go with my mood. I just like the one line)